Sleepless...

For some reason, I haven't been sleeping well. I've been waking up every hour to every half an hour for weeks now. I swear, this last week I've gotten 15 hours of sleep in 4 days. I know that sounds moderate, but that's strange for me. I've been told its stress, but when I wake up my mind isn't busy. Just awake. So tonight I'm going to cut off caffeine and read some scripture before bed. Maybe that will help, hopefully.

I act weird when I'm tired... All hyper like... Its crazy, then I get grouchy. Its a bad day (or week) when it happens. I don't like being tired. It really sucks, always having heavy eye lids and aching head.... I would not suggest it.

Tomorrow is April Fool's Day... Well in 10 minutes it will be April Fool's day, normally I don't do anything because my mom gets upset, but I was thinking about dressing emo for high school... oh wait. I already do that. hehehe.... I'm tired. Good night all!

ttfn

mockery: serious business

Sometimes I don't know what is truly "bad", until you get up close and personal. I left my grandma's house with my mom today, and as we left we watched my grandma fall over backwards in her driveway. It was scary! We turned around and drove back to see if she was okay, which she was, but it still scared the Dickens out of us. Things like that get the blood and adrenaline flowing. After we left the second time, I turned to my mom and begged, "Don't ever do anything like that to me!"

I think tomorrow I'm going to go to The Grind and do homework. Just to take a friends advice (you know who you are!). I have a lot of math homework to do... and a paper to write, and sketches to finish. Blah... Oh well, at least I'm keeping busy.

I was thinking about popping a movie in for some back ground sounds... Got to work on a paper. Later!

ttfn

Left behind again

I hate being with my friends... and their boyfriend or girlfriend. I'm normally the only one without a significant other. It is so embarrassing and uncomfortable... There are so many guys out there, its just hard finding the right one? I hate being single. I'd rather not be, but God's timing is different then mine. Sometimes I wish it wasn't in certain ways.... But that's me being selfish. Agh, its just so difficult. God give me strength to endure all things.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

Purposed filled life

I know, not everyone agrees with anyone on everything, but I hate being told I'm wrong.... It is so horrible, I know, but its hard for me to say, "I'm wrong". If I know I'm truly wrong, then I will apologize, but I have the tiny bit of a chance of being right I stick with it. Just had to get that out.

Today is a concert that I am going to. I am, well, excited I guess? I mean, its not a BIG deal. I love music, so it is an adventure. I have to ditch a class though to go.... So I mean, its not a BIG deal there either.... I'm so bad, this is the first class I've ever ditched in my two years of college. hehehe....

I'm not looking forward to my math class, my professor makes us go through out tests (that he hasn't organized at all) to find our tests. Last time, my class starts at 1:30, so when everyone had got their tests and we started, it was 2:30. The class is supposed to get out at 3:10 so we had a short lesson. I always thought professors were supposed to be organized.... I guess not?

The one thing I don't like about college is that there never seems to be enough time for "me" time. I have been trying to read the book, Emma by Jane Austen for about a week now. I'm on chapter 2. Maybe if I actually did my homework, instead of sleeping or cleaning.... That would work. I should to laundry too, but you know, homework is due in two days so got to get to work!

That's what I should be doing now... I guess.... hehe... later!

Love Story

We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony in summer air

See the lights
See the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello, little did I know

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while

'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don't go and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby just say yes
Oh oh

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you is fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said

Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said, marry me Juliet
You'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes

Oh, oh, oh, oh
'Cause we were both young when I first saw you

-Taylor Swift

Pink petals fall on my face

You know when spring has come when they say, "its time to set your clocks forward," or "Spring is sprung!", and that's true. I know a different way of telling, colors start to emerge from what once was cold and broken. I can see from where I'm sitting, beautiful, blooming, pink, plum blossoms. I told my mom when I was younger, I used to go out to the tree in full bloom and shake it to where the petals would fall down on top of me. I'm looking forward to doing it again this year.

Today, my parents are leaving for San Diego, and then Friday morning my siblings and I are leaving to go with them (After my physical therapy appointment). I'm excited! I can't wait to go! I love to get away, but in the end, there's not place like home. I love to get away and see God's creation. Especially because of all the rain, it is going to be beautiful! I can't wait!

I have classes tomorrow, but since tomorrow it the Farmer's market, I look forward to going. My sister and I go and like to look around. We plan on getting some honey that is made locally. It is so delicious! Tastes kind of like marshmallow fluff, only more natural. This week is going good so far. God is truly blessing me and my family.

Angry in so many ways....

How can one person bring on so many unreasonable and strange emotions? It is inconceivable and vexing, it is so difficult to understand. Just like the song "Simple and Clean", that is how I feel. Guys can create such feelings that make my emotions go crazy, especially when there might be hope in it. I was telling my mom I couldn't wait to get married, so I won't have to worry about finding someone. I hate being single, it is so difficult, especially when you see someone you know being so happy with their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. It doesn't seem very fair, but I know my time will come someday.... Eventually.... The hard part of finding someone is that the scary guys normally like me, like weird, dark guys... Its weird. But then when I actually find someone who I like, they either think of me as a "little girl", or just don't even care. It's so hard on me, emotionally, its just because I can't even find a person who cares enough for me to at least try for me... Is that so hard to ask for?

"Just for once, I want someone to be afraid of losing me."

Tear drops

Ugh! I am so mad! So much for thinking good things, trying to be a friend, trying.... It hurts, rejection. I've had my share of it. More then once, I hate it. Has anyone ever noticed that when someone gets angry at you, you normally get mad yourself? Or maybe that's just me. I hate being angry. Being an emotional person, you don't want to see me angry. I lash out and then cry, draining me emotionally. Oh, I am sooo mad! God, why?!

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose Worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom:
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
–William Shakespeare

Adult? When did it start? And how do I make it stop?

Today, I looked into getting a job. Its a little coffee/dessert/breakfast/lunch shop. It is too cute! Its called "Bodacious Bundts". It would be my first really job, so I'm excited! I know I probably won't be paid a lot, but it would be a lot of fun... Hopefully.... I also got off of my crutches and cane, and can walk and drive! Yay! My mother is quite ecstatic. The sad thing about having a job though is not being able to do fun things went people plan them... Oh well, that's life right? I always knew being an adult would be hard, but not this hard. I was talking to my mom earlier, we were talkinga bout growing up.

My mom was talking about how it seems that we're all growing up so fast. My sister is 21, almost finished with school and has a job. My brother is turning 16 and a sophmore in high school and freshman in college. I am 18 and newly graduated from high school (finally!) and a junior in college. Even though it seems like as my siblings and I get older, bad things happen to us. Becky, when she turned 11, was told she has a wheat allergy, and now it seems to be spreading to dairy products too (not the same reaction though). My brother is having problems with his heart, it is too small and one of the chambers in his heart isn't working right when he is resting, that and he passes out for no reasons. I am allergic to sodium nitrates (persurvitives in meat, mostly pork, like hot dogs or bacon. Can't have them, give me bad stomach aches.) That and breathing problems, and my foot surgery and heeling process (haha! Get it "Heel"ing process.. haha... ah never mind.)

I thought I would put a little bit of randomness on this, so like on Facebook. 10 random things about me!

1. I am majoring in Art History.
2. I love traveling.
3. I hate cats.. yet I own one.
4. I've never had a real job.
5. I am semi organized
6. I believe that Jesus is the only way to heaven.
7. I pray every night for my future husband.
8. I am a right brained, artistic person.
9. I am a very romantic person.
10. I believe life begins at conseption.

That's it... I was bored so I thought I would write... So yah.

ttfn!

What's wrong with me?

I have never been so hurt in my life. Well, obviously, that's not true there have been worse moments in my life, but this has my day pretty much done. I can't stop crying, my heart hurts. And I know its none of my business.... I have no say in the matter, but before there was a hope. I know God works in mysterious ways, and I trust Him, but I just don't understand? Why was this person brought into my life? Its obvious that there is nothing I can do... other then pray. Now I can't even be with the person. God, why did you make me this way?! I don't want to be angry with God, but... I just don't understand.... I am a pitiful, emotional human girl compared to God. I know that everything will be fine with God's time, but... Why is it hurting me so much?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

Call it what you want!

Today is a bad reading day for me... I've been have continuous Dyslexic moments, even though I have trained my brain against the dyslexia, I have days. If any of you that see this don't know by now, I am highly dyslexic. I mix up letters and numbers and words. I was reading my blog and saw instead of 2009, I saw 2006. I haven't been doing this blog that long!? Then I keep writing "my" instead of "me".... It is difficult. The sad thing is that dyslexia is hereditary, so any of my future children could have it. My mom gave it to me. I didn't speak until I was about 5, that was a sign of the dyslexia. I always thought it was funny, my older sister learned to read books like Nancy Drew and the Lord of the Rings series when she was 4. I didn't read Dr. Suess until I was about 6 to 7. Now people wish I would stop talking and I love books. Well, romantic books.... *sigh*

ttfn

Life before death.. and taxes.

Well, this morning in my Art History class, I got a text from my mom saying that a gentleman that goes to my church died. I didn't really know him that well, but still, its always hard to think that a person who I knew walked, talked and breathed... Is gone. Now I know he's not gone, just from his earthly home. I know he's with his heavenly Father, no more pain, no more fear, just being with God. How wonderful does that sound?

I have a math test today, that I am supposed to be studying for. Ever notice that studying is "student" and "dying" put together? I got that from a flair. I also have ladies bible study tonight and I haven't even started it.... I'm gonna get in trouble again.

Does it seem like on bad days that the bad stuff seems to keep coming? Here is my list of bad things happening in my day.
1. Ward died.
2. I have a math test.
3. I'm not done with the homework due.
4. I'm not done with my bible study
5. I can't get a certain person out of my head.
6. I can't stop thinking about my future.
7. I forgot about my Health class... its online.
8. I Still can't get a certain person out of my head.
9. My sister's cat hates me because I went crazy white girl on her... funny story.
10. I want to say yes when I had to say no....

Today is a bad day, but its nice knowing that God is there for us in the end (and all the time!). Its comforting. Now, I'm home alone, so I need some coffee... ugh... so tired. long day ahead of me too. Oh well.

During my art history class, I wrote down a list of places I want to go in the future. I just thought I would write them down.

1. England (to see Stonehenge and the cities)
2. Eygpt (pyramids/ sphinx/ and the tombs)
3. Ireland (just for my own profit)
4. France (Cave paintings and Eiffel Tower)
5. Spain (Cave paintings and own benefit)
6. Japan (Just cuz)

In state:
1. New York
2. Ohio (Relatives live there and to see the Amish)
3. Northern California
4. 4 corners (Arizona, California, Nevada, and New Mexico.. I think?)
5. The Lincoln Memorial... Not sure where that is.

But that is a list of places I want to go, a lot I know, but I love traveling. But you know what they always say, "There's no place like home!"

ttfn <3

so hard..

Its so hard. I hate being single, just because I don't have that someone that can listen to me and for me to be there for. There is a guy I like, but its that moment of "I don't know if he cares". This really stinks. Anyway, I needed to vent. In this short way.

Cooties!

I remember the days when boys simply had cooties. No problems and no questions asked, but that is all changed now. The thought about boys (especially "certain" boys) makes my heart beat wildly. I know that probably the majority of my readers are boys, and that's fine. I just don't understand "men", and I know I'm not supposed to. It's just so difficult to grasp that there is one out there for me?

My parents have been telling me to want certain things in a guy, so that I'll know who he might be someday, but the truth is I don't really know. I know for certain that he has to be a Godly, loving man who can take care of a house, but after that I'm not sure. I know he has to be older then me because of a past experience, and has to love me too, same experience. In my life, I've only had one boyfriend and have been very, very badly burned from it. It really stinks because I gave away my first kiss to a guy who didn't care about me, and that hurts me still.

Every girl looks forward to getting married, but there's a problem in finding "Mr. Right". I guess I should think about what I want in a guy, but every guy is so different and what if I pass him by because he isn't what I "want". Maybe I'm over thinking the subject, but I don't what to let my expectations get in the way of what I really need. I want to be like Elizabet Bennet and have a Mr. Darcy to come and slowly fall in love with. My parents dated for 2 weeks when they became engaged, but they waited a year before getting married and my dad's father was dying when he asked her. People scoff at that now, but my parents have been married for 27 going on 28 years this April. It's hard to believe, but it's true.

I know when I find someone, I want to be very sure with God that he is the one for me. I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I know God will show me "Mr. Right" or I might even know him now! But I'll be waiting, and I can't wait.

ttfn <3